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Next Step: opting for the banal and thinking of my mom
In this Next Step, I'd like to thank Alaya for her post on the 1st Imagine Mission of envisioning herself 10 years from now. It brought to mind my own concerns about excellence as well as some hopes I have for my mother.
I'm 25 and have done a lot. Sometimes I think I've done too much. I've gotten in over my head, taken too much on, been unrealistic. Urgent Evoke's insistence on achieving the spectacular brings up these concerns for me. Won't it be okay if I slow down? Do something predictable and reasonable? I take Alaya's post to be somewhat in this vain. She explains her long term commitment to her four children. She explains that she hasn't does any of the things that seem standard for those playing Evoke like get advanced degrees in topics that are supposed to help the world or gone traveling for noble causes, etc, etc. She is no longer so young as to see her wh*** life available before her to do the amazing and monumental. I have every confidence that she can do amazing things even given these conditions, but I wonder if that's really necessary. If that's what she wants, that's awesome. I have no doubt that she is capable of it. But is there anything wrong with opting for something more banal? I love what I have done and am doing, but I also desperately want the permission to opt for the banal. I can't help but wonder if the ambition inherent in Urgent Evoke's values is a contributing factor in the impending disasters we propose to avert.
My mother is as old as Alaya will be in 10 years. Alaya is a mother of 4, and I am one of 4 siblings. We were all born within 5 years. I am the oldest. My mom is amazingly talented with clothing design, graphic design, and interior decorating. This talent seems to have been wasted on her children and her father's family business. I say wasted because there is a manic persistence in how my mother pursues some of these crafts that seems joyless. The fruits of the work are always given away and not enough gets back to my mom. The only thing I want for my mother now is the opportunity to enjoy what she is so good at. I want her to enjoy it for herself now that she has spent so much time providing it as a service to her family.
Maybe I've picked up my mother's manic persistence, and what I want for her is exactly what I want for myself. This was not easy to say. Writing this post has brought me to tears.
I'm 25 and have done a lot. Sometimes I think I've done too much. I've gotten in over my head, taken too much on, been unrealistic. Urgent Evoke's insistence on achieving the spectacular brings up these concerns for me. Won't it be okay if I slow down? Do something predictable and reasonable? I take Alaya's post to be somewhat in this vain. She explains her long term commitment to her four children. She explains that she hasn't does any of the things that seem standard for those playing Evoke like get advanced degrees in topics that are supposed to help the world or gone traveling for noble causes, etc, etc. She is no longer so young as to see her wh*** life available before her to do the amazing and monumental. I have every confidence that she can do amazing things even given these conditions, but I wonder if that's really necessary. If that's what she wants, that's awesome. I have no doubt that she is capable of it. But is there anything wrong with opting for something more banal? I love what I have done and am doing, but I also desperately want the permission to opt for the banal. I can't help but wonder if the ambition inherent in Urgent Evoke's values is a contributing factor in the impending disasters we propose to avert.
My mother is as old as Alaya will be in 10 years. Alaya is a mother of 4, and I am one of 4 siblings. We were all born within 5 years. I am the oldest. My mom is amazingly talented with clothing design, graphic design, and interior decorating. This talent seems to have been wasted on her children and her father's family business. I say wasted because there is a manic persistence in how my mother pursues some of these crafts that seems joyless. The fruits of the work are always given away and not enough gets back to my mom. The only thing I want for my mother now is the opportunity to enjoy what she is so good at. I want her to enjoy it for herself now that she has spent so much time providing it as a service to her family.
Maybe I've picked up my mother's manic persistence, and what I want for her is exactly what I want for myself. This was not easy to say. Writing this post has brought me to tears.
Views: 31
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Comment by Ayala Sherbow on March 9, 2010 at 9:22pm
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Oh, Ida -- I understand this so much more than I can express. I spent 20 years [from age 15 to age 35] as a classic "type A" person -- determined to excel and determined to repair the world. And then I needed to get off that train. And I kicked myself for it for so long. So many heroes that I admire never seemed to allow themselves the sweet banality of an everyday life. So I felt guilty for succ**bing. Certainly raising children -- if one does it with an awareness of what one is doing -- does give one some sense of purpose, but it is not the same.
One of the lessons I've learned is that life is long and that you don't have to do it all at once. I still feel I am 10 years away from being able to significantly shift how I spend the majority of my time -- but I fully expect to have a "second" or "third" act to my life. I know that I have other, larger, contributions to make, despite not knowing when or how yet.
Another lesson I've learned is that no one runs on empty. You MUST nurture yourself. You must allow yourself a reprieve from your commitment to excellence for yourself and for the world. Nothing comes of nothing. You must feed yourself as well -- emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc...
Finally, I have learned that the ordinary is also sacred. That my entire life's journey *is* my work of art. I may never loom large on a global scale, but I bring my conscious attention to the quality of my living and the impact I do have -- however small -- and that is enough. And you will be surprised how many people you may inspire to even greater things because they have met you. Someone else commented on my blog about "ripple" effects. And I believe it to be true.
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Comment by Cayden Mak on March 9, 2010 at 10:33pm
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I definitely feel you on this. In struggling to square my artistic practice with my social awareness, my political instincts with my academic career goals, I often find I'm way way way way WAY over-extended...but I also draw strength from the chaos, and I derive great pleasure from it. My mind literally does not let me sleep. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much, too.
As an extension of Ayala's comments, I think I would like to add that having a community to surround yourself with -- local or remote -- is essential. You can nurture them through your work, and if they are a proper community, they nurture back. It's the best -- I couldn't live without my friends, colleagues, students and mentors. Not only is it great to have professional support, it's also valuable to have people to take a step back with. And there's something exciting and invigorating about that too.
Best!
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Comment by Linda Holt on March 9, 2010 at 11:47pm
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Ida, Ayala, Cayden - I feel honored to be in your presence. I believe that living intentionally in whatever we are doing allows us to see "holiness in the mundane", don't you? I keep a bit of a poem on my desk that I would like to share with you:
That's what I want now:
less stage, more bridge
(the wind steady and relentless)
and room to go about
the private business of becoming
nothing more, not a single iota less -
who I am meant to be.
Sebastian Matthews - "Undressing the Muse"
I am blazingly glad to be here!
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Comment by F. Blaine MacKinnon on March 10, 2010 at 6:16am
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You should ask your mom how she feels. Being older than she is I can tell you that joy becomes a less overt experience as we age but is not diminished and the joy of children often amplifies our love of life. We are not from this modern age of celebrity, we are satisfied with our accomplishments regardless of whether or not they are recognized. This doesn't mean that a little recognition isn't nice once in a while.
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Comment by Ida on March 10, 2010 at 7:41pm
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@Alaya - Thanks so much for the kind words. I think I'm caught right now between on the one hand knowing the I need to take care of myself and that there really is plenty of time, but on the other hand still being deeply programed to overextend. As much as I know the things you've said to be true, it's still invaluble to hear them from someone else. It helps with overriding this programming.
@Cayden - when my mind doesn't let me sleep for extended periods, it usually ends up in a lot of stress and confusion, even if initially whatever is keeping me awake is invigorating. It is nice having all your company here though, even if it means I'm up a little too late some nights reading all the posts. :)
@Linda - "the private business of becoming." That's so nice, that phrasing.
@F. Blaine - My mom definitely derives a lot of strength and joy from being a mother. Her investment in various creative outlets also attests to her ability to derive satisfaction from seemingly small accomplishments. I probably should talk to her about this, but despite the joy she derives from these things, she does seem emotionally depleted and dissatisfied as the base of it all. I'm not the only one close to her that hopes she can learn to be easier on herself and indulge.
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