Thank you mum

Usually, I am not afraid to say what I think. To me, being silent is a sign of weakness and cowardice. When it comes to speaking out and praising one person in particular, I seem to recoil and draw back. What's worse, is that I don't just recoil like an old cannon would, but, just like that cannon, I explode in a series of bursts of anger. Sometimes, I really cannot, ( and not because of shyness) express myself in a civilised way,in a way which would convene anyone who is about to see their 18-year old bubble burst and who finds themselves catapulted into the world of work and business. This gap, this crevace, this huge Canyyon in my behaviour only really exists when I adress myself towards one person: my mother. Somehow, I just can't tell her how much I am grateful for all the things she has done and is doing for me. Deep inside me I feel the need to show her an immense gratitude! Strangely I cannot manage to make this rain of gratitude shower upon her. It is as if my immense wish to show my thanks was like a volcano, waiting to explode thousands of metres underground. Whenever I am supposed to thank her for something which she has done for me, I answer back, and treat her badly, gaining only her constant moans and nags: 'You are an arrogant, prepotent boy!'. Then, I fel a surge of anger rushing through me, because I am not able to say a word as simple as: Thank you. Admitting my impotence. I want to grasp this occasion, which Evoke is giving me, to express my greatest thanks with the upmost sincerity. I confess that without her by my side, always there to guide me and to help me when in need, almost like some Guardian Angel, I would be one f the many teenagers who regularly fall in a coma after their eleventh drink at the bar. It is as if I were an actor, and she were my aide-de-champs, never in the spotligt, always behind the scenes, a guiding spirit (who screams sometimes)...
I just wanted to tell her how important she is for me, and just how much I owe to her. There are days in which I explode, some say that its because I'm changing from being a teenager into becoming a man.... But I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to tell her... But at least, a minimal part of my immense gratitude will come out of the darkness into the light... Who knows... As I Evoke, she might someday read it too...